The Baseball Curmudgeon

(So, who is the Baseball Curmudgeon? Just your basic old, gravel-voiced pressbox gadfly who has been living off ballpark food and Jack Daniels while chomping on thick cigars since the days of Cap Anson. Cynical and irascible might be the best way to describe him, although his basic philosophy is, “I’m here to protect this game.”)

Geez, another decade for this old buzzard. And a helluva way to end it with a great World Series here in SPB with the Rifles winning the title. To think, they came all the way from the depths of the old Toronto Titans in ’54 to win the entire thing for Bob Calicchia. Not to dismiss what the Little General, Steve Ehresman, did in bobbing and weaving over the years, playing his roster like a chess game to rise to the top and reach the series.

If you were stranded on an island and took a look at the SPB standings, you’d think both leagues were upside down. There are the once-powerful Frankfort Tigers and High Desert Mavericks near the bottom of the American and National Leagues. Whatever happened to the Harridge and Giles Divisions? Tradition is out the door here.

But what’s happening to this game? We grew up watching power and thunder, baseballs flying into the seats, the fans all excited. Now, we’re playing turn-of-the-century ball. Little dinky bunts and squeeze plays, pitchers getting soft and not pitching a full game. Then there are the “specialists” whom I consider half-players. You know, those guys who come in and only survive to bunt or steal. Ah, they’d never make it in the old days.

And what’s going to happen in the new decade? Nothing is sacred anymore. Look, in 1959, the Soviets sent up a spaceship that reminded me of one of those cardboard types from those old black-and-white Buck Rogers movies and it came back with two dogs and a rabbit. But those three rock-and-roll guys die in a ten-cent plane in North Dakota. Quick, somebody tell John Turnbull that they are no longer eligible for the draft.

Now we’re going to have expansion. What is going to happen to the SPB records? Somebody, probably this big young guy, Harmon Killebrew, will break Mickey Mantle’s 66 HR record with the watered down pitching and that Little League ballpark he plays in out in Los Angeles. They played in better parks in the 1920’s in the Pacific Coast League.

The only constant is the wonderful relationship we have with our friendly neighbor to the south, Fidel Castro. Yes, he’ll make everything right down there in Havana now that he has unseated Batista. Promises to prevent further bloodshed down there. And remember, he’s a former ballplayer, so we can look forward to a great decade of baseball growth down there. I can see a beautiful stadium right down by the Guantanemo Naval Base. Beautiful view right off the water. Why, some teams are even looking to move down there. Ah, the Havana Sugar Kings might be playing in major league parks around the States pretty soon.

And if that doesn’t work, Havana could always match up with my old friend, Branch Rickey. There’s a real baseball man. The new league is ready to go in some new cities and will bring excitement to this great game.

As long as they keep serving good whiskey in the press rooms around the league, the old Baseball Curmudgeon will be around to keep an eye open over what’s going on in baseball.

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